Night I. We were first couple there on the first day and as we watched people enter (or waddle as the case may be) into the room, one this was clear - we were the youngest people there by about 10 years (most couples late 30s and early 40s). The only couple that was close to our age was a couple named Jeff and Lara (one more note, there are 3 Lauras and 1 Lara in this class... weird) who were in their early 30s. All the people there were first time parents (except for one girl who has a 7 year old at home from another father) so I think we all learned a lot. Several images are shown on the walls in the 'classroom' and one of them is an image (not an actual photo) of the stages of a dilated cervix... first they show a small circle, then a larger circle... this thing continues until I can see the guy Jeff's eyes next to me getting wider and wider and face begin to pale up a bit... He then proceeds to ask the teacher (pointing at the original small circle) "Does it go back to that later?", after a few moments of snickering like middle-schoolers in sex ed. The teacher reassured him that the doctor will take care of that if necessary. So she brings in a pelvis bone and what looks like a cross between a cabbage patch and chucky doll and attempts to show us how the baby moves through the bones, however, I don't think she attempted it before as the baby didn't fit through and all the women got a bit nervous and started squirming as she attempts to shove this doll through the opening to no avail. After that enlightening demonstration she lets the mothers know that they should not worry as their bones will separate to make room (this did NOT appear to lighten the mood). She explains more about the birth canal, contractions, pushing, dilating, and the placenta (she tells the 'dads' "if they ask if you want to see where the baby has been living, say NO!"). So after all this fun talk she breaks us up into random pairs (2 couples) and asks us to 'interview' the other couple. We did so, and the couple we spoke with was quite nice (although their names escape me) and then we started discussing due dates and the sex of the baby and all... they are also due on October 12th and they are having a boy too - eerie. So now time for a relaxing video right... nope. She puts on a video "stages of labor" (if they would show this video in middle school kids might wait to have sex a little bit longer). This video consisted of several women screaming their brains out contracting, yelling, crying, etc. Then we get to the part where the REAL pushing began. As we watch this 'miracle of life' come out of this woman we look at her face and don't see anything resembling this 'glowing and happiness' we keep hearing about. As the baby begins to come out you hear "EEEeeeee!!!! Does it look like a human baby?!?" from the mother (which I silently replied - "Nope - not a chance"). We also watch another woman 'deliver' the placenta and as the teacher mentioned, when that happens I will be sure to say "NO, I do NOT want to see where the baby lived". Movie finally ends with the woman, who five minutes ago was screaming in pain, saying "it was a magically experience" - yeah right. Then we practice 'breathing type I' (just slow deep breathing - "innnnnnnnnn, ooooooout" - I could've figured that one out) and head home. I promise you... NO mothers slept that night.
Night II... You'd think that after that we wouldn't come back, but apparently we are gluttons for punishment or perhaps stupidly optimistic. We take seats next to Jeff and Lara again and as we wait for class to start the teacher passes out these (torture) devices to all the fathers. Well I get this (with a syringe stuck in the end at the bottom of the picture)...
Right now mom is laughing because she knows that if you put something in front of me and I am bored I am going to play with it... well I did... and this is what happened. (Pictures supplied btw, by "www.jolly-medical.com" - HA!, jolly my ass...)
Well the teacher notices me playing with it and decides to quiz me. "For a 'silver nipple' what do you think that this does?", I reply, "it looks like it might be used to open 'something' up, but I have a feeling that none of us really wants to know or watch a video about it". She laughs and says that I am pretty damn close to being right. I receive my "silver nipple" - which as it happens is only a hershey's kiss which is a bit of a letdown. So we go around the room discussing everyone's 'torture device'... two kinds of suction devices - one appeared to be from about 1412 and the other one newer... and some monitors, wires, clamps and stuff like that (one of the wires screws into the top of the baby's head to measure a heartbeat and does NOT look particularly pleasant so it generated a lot of questions from the 'mothers'). So after this cheery display we talked about preterm labor, induction, emergency C-Sections, and 'voiding' (which is the nice way of saying 'peeing' apparently). So on to the (as she put it) "lighter & happier" part of the evening. Another video - yippee I can't wait. Well apparently the lighter part of the evening is watching these 'babies' who look more like martians get cleaned after delivery, start breathing, and breastfeeding. Now, when I think of a light and happy time, nowhere is there a screaming, 'cream-cheese covered', bloody, blue/purple martian. After the video all the 'fathers' looked pale and the 'mothers' didn't look so bad. More breathing... (this time deep breaths and not so deep breaths "innnnnnnn, ooooooouuuut, innn, oouuuut" - I'm paying money for this advice?) and then we go home.
So, in conclusion, (and this is for the mothers)... You did this more than once!!! What the...? How the...? Why the...? Just make sure that your youngest knows that you went through all this AGAIN knowing what was in store for you and that if they don't appreciate you more you have been given permission by the government to go and kill them (I'll send you the permission slip later). Come back next week... but I can understand if you wouldn't want to.
